I don’t know what happened, my ship suddenly halted. There I was, relaxed and sitting in the afternoon sun. I couldn’t move or speak. It was as if different parts of myself were all catching up and melted into that gal in the mirror. Here I am. She looked more familiar with each passing night.
What if this was the best thing that ever happened to me? Speechless, utterly. Had kindness untied all the knots holding the false parts of myself together? Then the tears erupted releasing a wall of grief. The walls are coming down, like Jericho. Like the Berlin wall did in 1989.
I made a phone call to a friend earlier in the afternoon, wanting to help with homeless children, and could she help me get the local theater to publicly play the movie, “MULLY” to inspire fellow citizens to take collective action, to reveal what one man did in Kenya, not once but four times, against all odds.
She had already been helping homeless teens on the streets of Olympia, she said, where I have been living the last three years. I told her that I could help with the young girls, teens who had been coerced into being human trafficked. I could help with that. “I could run a support group, help them build their confidence. I have a Master’s in Clinical Psychology. I have clothes to donate, and shoes and toiletries, warm blankets,” I found my voice uttering these sentences.
The wall didn’t crumble until I laid in bed a few hours later, eyes cast down, listlessly. Something picked up and moved an energy up and out of my listless body. Lifted it out, then the tears. My cat, Sidney, gazing up at me, checking me out with her soulful eyes. My mouth won’t open. I cannot speak. Deep emotion thawing. I have myself back.
I am wondering if other fellow tribe members are having this kind of, a moment?
Is this what it means to meet my future self? Tenderness falling like snow flakes, quietly, softly, from some benevolent source. Only it is an inside job.
I imagine being embraced by an imaginary lover, an inner beloved. Am I this beloved? I imagine being bathed in a warm pool of sacred water. A baptismal of utter sacredness. I imagine some benevolent feminine figure, like the Goddess here with me, holding me in Her Countenance, in Her Grace.
I am beloved. I am loved. My heart melting around this limp body. My eyes barely able to open. A shamanic soul retrieval, perhaps. Something magical for sure.
I re-read the lesson 16 and listened to the audio 4 times today, trying to understand the meaning of the words. Shuffled my index cards, flashing them slowly. Documented kindnesses daily in the Alliance, “Kindnesses.”
Three meditation sessions today. Meditating on the clear light. Clear light. Light. I want to be a beacon of light. I am a beacon of light, a lamp that can never go out, a ship, a boat.
I offer my body, mind and speech and all my merit, as I melt and pour myself into the river of humanity.