Sailing back to the harbor – the strong and sleep wooden sail boat glides across the calm sea. Stepping onto the dock with confidence I tie up my trustworthy boat, with my compass in hand.
Harmony calls upon trust, faith and the dynamic power of love. Let us not forget the power of the observer to shift the tides so that we women (and men) can sail safely home to the harbor.
Sailing on my sleek sailboat day in and day out, one thing I know for sure, living a life of simplicity is the ticket.
Resting in the nature of your own mind – simply resting. The mind does not move. When the mind moves, come back, when you are aware that your mind has moved.
When you want only peace, you will open to the peace and stillness that is your birthright.
We women and men can sail safely back to the harbor.
In Gratitude.
Sailing on the azure Mediterranean Sea on my sturdy and streamlined wooden boat have presented opportunities to understand how to calm my mind in the middle of a storm, so I can sail safely home.
Gaining skillful means to navigate on the open sea requires a healthy relationship with the unknown. The mystery continues to unfold. Learning to trust the unknown is imperative on this journey through life.
In my meditation retreat yesterday I dropped into a place that I like to be just ‘one step ahead’ of it. The meditation schedule was strict and consistent all day long and left an impression on my mind all through the night. The only option was to become a deep sea diver and open to an inner dimension of anxiety that leaves me breathless. Trusting the unknown inner territory of being open and objective with anxiety, I unknowingly opened my experience to the unfolding presence of my being.
Breathing into this store house of emotion sent turbulent waves through my body and mind until I embraced this “uneasiness.” The inner critic began to recite its rave, “you can’t do anything right, what did I tell you, you are never going to be free this anxiety, you have no value and no worth, and it is never going to let up, see, even your teacher is ignoring you, you worthless piece of dirt.”
I watched and listened to this incessant inner ego activity and how it was pulling me into a whirlpool of suffering until it reached a crescendo I could no longer tolerate. I did the only thing I could: soften my heart.
I softened into the sharpness of the words, I softened around the edges of the tormenting words that cut deep, I softened into the false belief that was held up by these edges piercing my heart.
I made contact with an image of myself as a powerless little child and did the only thing I knew how to do: I gave myself compassion, understanding, love -while breathing in and out with full awareness and thus regulated my own nervous system.
Upon waking this morning, a stillness pervaded a mind free of limiting concepts, no words. I rested in this luminous Peace and Stillness. The waves had subsided.
There is a quote I read at one point in my life, “so we women can sail safely home.” It was from an ancient Greek story. I don’t remember the context, but I feel it in my bones.
I sail out on the open sea with my wooden sailboat, sturdy, sleek and streamlined in solitude. Meditation, silence, me and the inner sea of my mind. With each breath I calm the turbulent waves of mental activity that moves my mind. The mind moves and restlessness arises. Without judgment I experience an inner restlessness. An emotion arises from underneath and carries the wind as if igniting emotions I want to bring back down into balance. What is this inner movement of thought & emotion? Let go. Let go.
Good meditation – bad meditation. Cease judgment on this, please. Perhaps your worst meditation is your best meditation.
Sailing safely home is a metaphor for learning to be embodied right here right now, balanced in my mind, heart and belly. Sometimes life is that way, the restlessness covers an emotion that I have been running from for a very long time. Meditation helps with slowing the process down. Breathing in breathing out. Count to 8. Do it again. Why is this so difficult right now? If I keep breathing in 8 counts, after a series of three, a layer of tension releases. Then another layer. Tears arise. I become aware of a sense of powerlessness. I become aware of an incessant need to control, my environment, anything, my kitchen. Can we ever control anything? Another illusion. I start to weep. Didn’t know this was waiting to be released, without identifying with any thing that arises, because it will dissolve, I experience a greater sense of openness and a freedom. Thoughts arise, then dissolves. Emotions arise then dissolves. Notice how they come and go?
I feel a pattern of tension release from my ribs, thoracic, I can breath easier. This continues as I do a body scan of where I am holding in my body, then I make a conscious choice to just let go.
I am sailing safely home to my inner harbor.
We would all be so lucky to have one of those experiences where you die, breathe your last breath, and then you actually get to come back. But first, you go on the adventure of a lifetime, a life, death and rebirth journey, where you cross over.
In March 2003, this is exactly what happened for me. The doctors three months earlier told me that I was going to die. I had been living for months with an injury to a vertebral artery in my cervical spine, C-1. A doctor had adjusted my neck and gave me a small stroke, and I was pretending not to know how serious it was. When truth had caught up with me, I was at the mercy of the present moment. Acceptance brought a wealth of blessing. I let go of all anger, and instead lived in the beauty and softness of complete and utter forgiveness. I didn’t want to die with any anger in my heart.
Morning, noon and night with each breath in and out, I meditated on forgiveness. I became forgiveness. Love is for giving. Love is forgiving. I made friends with death by spending five days at Orr Hot Springs in northern California. I prayed and wept for five days, as I bowed my head and opened my heart to the spirit of the healing water. I was praying for a vision.
I asked God, what I could do if I was allowed to live. I bargained with God, pleaded, and eventually the only answer arose, acceptance of what is. I made peace with death. In that peace I experienced an acceptance of my self that I had never experienced previously and a deep resolute peace.
And that is when I decided to live my life with total forgiveness. I promised God and myself that I would forgive everyone and everything, in the last few months of my life.
Within in three months, the moment came, March 13, 2003. I exhaled my last breath. I became aware of billions of cells in my body, each with their own consciousness and each with a light. Then, I became aware of one cell, one consciousness and one light. My organs shut down one after the other, and a portal opened, a narrow opening through which my essence past through, and everything that was not my true self sloughed off, like a snake shedding its skin.
I saw how others had harmed me, it played like a movie. I forgave it all, without any hesitation. Then, a movie played of how I harmed others. I was “forgiven.” The journey took 2 days in our time, but seemed to pass within the blinking of an eye. I saw my ancestors dancing for me. I said, “I am not ready to leave, I haven’t done what I came here to do. So please, just show me, tell me what it is you want me to know, I’m all ears, look where I am.” I was given information to bring back and share with others. This journey changed the entire trajectory of my life.” I am grateful.
Has anyone noticed that the future person is living in the now, in each every moment? And, that taking action is activating a spontaneity that is just absolutely delicious?
There has been an awakening process for everyone that I have been in contact with on the MKE and the website, Marco Polos and emails, etc..
In this moment, I am experiencing what one might call a head cold. I haven’t had one in well over a year! What would the person that I intend to become do next? Before I take a nap, I am taking care of business, paying bills, re-watched the MKE webinar from the last time! Getting organized, and completing my blog before taking the “nap.”
An awareness of a continual opening in my heart unravels into radiating a light that can never go out. I am grateful for everything that arises, and have been brought to my knees a few times in the last three weeks. Allowing for self reflection, a space inside of myself has opened up, for me to love and accept myself like I have never done before.
There is a recognition of seeing myself differently, perceiving myself in a different “light.” Each moment of recognition is a holy instant of experiencing myself as whole and complete, and with the blessing of what I have come to call, The Angel of Mercy.
Mercy does not judge. One can grant Mercy, Be Mercy, Experience Mercy. What is this river of Mercy alive & enlivened with a flowing compassionate love for self and all others, what is forbearance?
I am reminded of the night my father died, July 2010. He was two states away. I was with a group of 70 + people at the Unitarian Church, Berkeley, CA, praying for PEACE, LIBERATION for ALL. In a phone call five hours earlier, the last words I uttered to him were, “you are always in my heart.” He said, “You are always in mine.”
Back at the altar, it was 10 p.m.. I was next in line to take my place to kneel down. My eyes beholdened what I had never witnessed before: an angel, full of a radiating golden light, whose feathers were thick and lush, and beautifully plummed, also gold.
It wasn’t that I was seeing an angel. The Angel was emanating a golden richness, a light that was indestructible, and that kept radiating a love that pierced through my heart. My heart full of blessings began to weep as this Angle of Mercy kept shining a light, out and out and out and out. Filling me with an indescribable essence of love’s pure light. Tears, a vale of tears, a river of joyful tears – this “out pouring.” My heart a cascading waterfall of undying love, filling up and spilling out.
This angel comes just as a darkness seems like it will overcome. This is the light shining out from the darkness. Joy to the world to wake up to this love.
Enjoyed reading your blog, your insights & aha moments. Self directed thinker, “in m own way and speed…” Keep up the good work!
Where am I now ?
Have I become a self directed thinker that is giving without thinking of reciprocity ? Am I using the law of substitution as soon as a negative or not desired thought or feeling comes to my mind ? Do I fully understand how my mind works and that the law of growth is working each and every second ? That my brain have this net of what wires together fires together. Can I visualize and keep my concentration at a picture and/or a situation that I want to create ? Am I being in service to others ? Do I let gratitude and kindness being a priority and leading virtues in daily life ? Can I change my mood by choosing a thought and add a feeling to it ? Am I practicing writing as the highest form of architecture ? Have I started to…
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Joseph Campbell suggested that the “Call” to the mythological inner journey is usually an invitation by an animal ally. Mine came in 1993, after studying shamanism with Sandra Ingerman, author of Soul Retrieval, at a retreat in Montana and again at Brighten Bush hot springs in Oregon.
I was an unusual skeptic at first. Sandra was encouraging, “just stay open. Your animal ally WILL come.” I returned to Oakland, California excited about being on the journey of awakening. Within a couple months, I had the following experiences.
In the spring of 1993, I was washing dishes on a Saturday afternoon in Oakland, California. I worked as a Social Worker, IV, for Children’s Protective Services. My husband was out hiking. I had the house to myself and thus, the luxury to take in the following experience without interruption or interpretation.
I began to feel the ground shake beneath my feet and the thundering hooves of a herd of wild horses were galloping towards me, and they were not on the earth, either. They appeared as a vision in the blue sky. These horses were “Spirit Horses” that could travel magically in the air. I didn’t particularly see wings and yet, I felt the power of a group of horse, full of wildness, endurance and strength, galloping at quite a clip, together, in unison. Delight filled my upper torso, heart, navel, WOW. Sandra said they would come!
The lead horse, a big black majestic horse gazed in my direction and without any words communicated, “it is time to journey.” In one fell swoop he had captured my attention – my focus and we were off galloping at full speed. I had one foot on the earth and one foot in the non-ordinary world. The wind filled my nostrils and lungs with fast wind, ‘prana’ the sacred breath of life. Clutching his corse mane with white knuckles I was on the journey of a life time. We rode fast and with such ease, bareback.
The Big black majestic horse and I galloped straight through the sky before turning and diving, single pointedly, directly and fervently into the living body of the Earth, our Mother Earth, our Mother Earth Goddess into the abyss.
I was aware of an exhilaration I had never experienced before, seems as if I waited my whole life for this propitious moment. We dove into the living breathing body the earth, and a spiritual consciousness embraced the horse and I, the rider, we became one.
Upon my return my entire matrix felt as if I had just conducted a soul retrieval, three to be exact. A young 3 year old, 5 year old and 15 year old, each with emotional needs that required I pay attention, to attune to how to take care of these, seemingly separate but intimate little beings, wounded in the heart. It took my breath away and I knew that I had just come home to myself. This marked the beginning of many years of living in two worlds: the world of the shaman, and the world of ordinary human life. I am she who walks in two worlds. In my lineage, when you are called, you will be taken. Resistance is futile. The spirit horses are away of life for me, for they bring my life.
We have been at sea for nearly three months now, sailing home to the Mother Port. Where is that at? We have been sailing single pointedly & directly into the direction of our DMP, definitive meaningful purpose. There have been many opportunities to use our essential compass, our innate inner Guidance, our Star of True North, that Point of Light.
We have wrestled with hurricanes, stormy seas, calm seas, seas where we didn’t know where the wind would come from and perhaps lost the force, the gale to carry us directly into our destination. But as many heroes and heroines come to understand, the joy and power is in the journey. Life is like that.
We let go and trusted at times. We let go and allowed ourselves to feel what it is like to be in the middle of not knowing. Not knowing is wisdom. When we think we know is when trouble can appear. Pride comes before the fall. It happens to all of us. What is left?
Surrender. Opening to the moment with full acceptance of, “this is where I am right now.” Accepting the moment is the wisest that thing we can do. Breathe in, breathe out. What if sadness arises? Sadness is a great teacher. It teaches us humility. It teaches us patience, to slow down and be present with the energy of sadness. It changes.
Sadness can be like a rose bud that slowly opens, trusting that one day it will blossom into full awakening awareness. The awareness of this moment is precious. Each unfolding moment is precious. Can I open to this preciousness, this innate goodness that lives and breathes in each of our tender hearts? Truth poured out, each of us are the embodiment of this wholeness, holiness. There is nothing to strive for. Rest in the natural state of our own mind.
What if true power reveals itself as we trust each moment to unfold?
What if true power is recognizing the state of just being present with ourselves?
What if value is valuing where we are right now in this moment? There is no resistance. What is left. Presence of being, right here.
Gentleness. Kindness. Harmony within and without.
The Master Key, Part 17
#34, “If you wish to eliminate fear, concentrate on courage.”
#35, “If you wish to eliminate luck, concentrate on abundance.”
#36: If you wish to eliminate disease, concentrate on health.”
I don’t know what happened, my ship suddenly halted. There I was, relaxed and sitting in the afternoon sun. I couldn’t move or speak. It was as if different parts of myself were all catching up and melted into that gal in the mirror. Here I am. She looked more familiar with each passing night.
What if this was the best thing that ever happened to me? Speechless, utterly. Had kindness untied all the knots holding the false parts of myself together? Then the tears erupted releasing a wall of grief. The walls are coming down, like Jericho. Like the Berlin wall did in 1989.
I made a phone call to a friend earlier in the afternoon, wanting to help with homeless children, and could she help me get the local theater to publicly play the movie, “MULLY” to inspire fellow citizens to take collective action, to reveal what one man did in Kenya, not once but four times, against all odds.
She had already been helping homeless teens on the streets of Olympia, she said, where I have been living the last three years. I told her that I could help with the young girls, teens who had been coerced into being human trafficked. I could help with that. “I could run a support group, help them build their confidence. I have a Master’s in Clinical Psychology. I have clothes to donate, and shoes and toiletries, warm blankets,” I found my voice uttering these sentences.
The wall didn’t crumble until I laid in bed a few hours later, eyes cast down, listlessly. Something picked up and moved an energy up and out of my listless body. Lifted it out, then the tears. My cat, Sidney, gazing up at me, checking me out with her soulful eyes. My mouth won’t open. I cannot speak. Deep emotion thawing. I have myself back.
I am wondering if other fellow tribe members are having this kind of, a moment?
Is this what it means to meet my future self? Tenderness falling like snow flakes, quietly, softly, from some benevolent source. Only it is an inside job.
I imagine being embraced by an imaginary lover, an inner beloved. Am I this beloved? I imagine being bathed in a warm pool of sacred water. A baptismal of utter sacredness. I imagine some benevolent feminine figure, like the Goddess here with me, holding me in Her Countenance, in Her Grace.
I am beloved. I am loved. My heart melting around this limp body. My eyes barely able to open. A shamanic soul retrieval, perhaps. Something magical for sure.
I re-read the lesson 16 and listened to the audio 4 times today, trying to understand the meaning of the words. Shuffled my index cards, flashing them slowly. Documented kindnesses daily in the Alliance, “Kindnesses.”
Three meditation sessions today. Meditating on the clear light. Clear light. Light. I want to be a beacon of light. I am a beacon of light, a lamp that can never go out, a ship, a boat.
I offer my body, mind and speech and all my merit, as I melt and pour myself into the river of humanity.
writingashealing 