Sailing on the azure Mediterranean Sea on my sturdy and streamlined wooden boat have presented opportunities to understand how to calm my mind in the middle of a storm, so I can sail safely home.
Gaining skillful means to navigate on the open sea requires a healthy relationship with the unknown. The mystery continues to unfold. Learning to trust the unknown is imperative on this journey through life.
In my meditation retreat yesterday I dropped into a place that I like to be just ‘one step ahead’ of it. The meditation schedule was strict and consistent all day long and left an impression on my mind all through the night. The only option was to become a deep sea diver and open to an inner dimension of anxiety that leaves me breathless. Trusting the unknown inner territory of being open and objective with anxiety, I unknowingly opened my experience to the unfolding presence of my being.
Breathing into this store house of emotion sent turbulent waves through my body and mind until I embraced this “uneasiness.” The inner critic began to recite its rave, “you can’t do anything right, what did I tell you, you are never going to be free this anxiety, you have no value and no worth, and it is never going to let up, see, even your teacher is ignoring you, you worthless piece of dirt.”
I watched and listened to this incessant inner ego activity and how it was pulling me into a whirlpool of suffering until it reached a crescendo I could no longer tolerate. I did the only thing I could: soften my heart.
I softened into the sharpness of the words, I softened around the edges of the tormenting words that cut deep, I softened into the false belief that was held up by these edges piercing my heart.
I made contact with an image of myself as a powerless little child and did the only thing I knew how to do: I gave myself compassion, understanding, love -while breathing in and out with full awareness and thus regulated my own nervous system.
Upon waking this morning, a stillness pervaded a mind free of limiting concepts, no words. I rested in this luminous Peace and Stillness. The waves had subsided.